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You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
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We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
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In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
In this war �� as in others �� I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
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A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
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Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
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The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
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It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
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Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
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Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
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Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
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Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
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Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
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The covers of this book are too far apart.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
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O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
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Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
I am not young enough to know everything.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
The covers of this book are too far apart.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
Why don't you write books people can read?
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do �� whether it is correct or not.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist �� and better tools.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
Hi there, what's up you guys???
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
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You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
If there��s one thing I know it��s God does love a good joke.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
The truth is more important than the facts.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
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Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Hi there, what's up you guys???
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air �� however slight �� lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
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